Breach of Culture

There is a burden upon this country that has been causing immense pain and discomfort for years. The pressure of this problem demands release and attention, but there seems to be no freedom from the prejudice placed upon that release. It constantly seeks to escape from the bowels of humanity and yet our culture has thrown the chains of etiquette upon it. This burden is flatulent retention.

What is flatulent retention? It is the practice of holding in your gas instead of letting it pass. We all suffer from the burden of flatulent retention, according to Justin Mullins in New Science magazine, "The average adult in the Western world farts roughly 10 times a day, releasing enough gas to inflate a party balloon."

I myself have suffered from flatulent retention since I was a small boy and my mother would no longer accept the "Pull my Finger" jokes in her household. I am a victim, just like you. We must learn to proudly raise our leg high, and let it fly! Tonight I will show you why we must throw off these chains of etiquette and stop the practice of flatulent retention. First we will explore the problem of this cultural epidemic and then we will delve into the solution that will free us from these bonds.

Our culture has placed an unspoken law about passing gas in public, and in knowing the problem better we can better understand the need for a solution. This unspoken law states that passing gas in public is rude and inappropriate. And it is more frowned upon the higher in society you are. According to Sydney Singer a biologist and anthroplogist that searches for cultural or lifestyle causes of diseases states, "The higher your status, the less acceptable your flatus."

The reason we accept this unspoken rule is because of the initial discomfort a flatulent causes. First is the odor, many a time have we been stuck in an elevator or a crowded car and been struck suddenly by this discomfort. Maybe if we knew more about the flatulent we would not turn our noses up at the issuer of this "air biscut." Dr. Michael Levitt is a man who has been up to his elbows in flatulent research and other stuff, for the majority of his professional career. In an interview in Discover magazine he states that, "Only about 1% of typical flatus consists of foul-smelling gases." Why should we judge the gas we pass because of 1% of it's mass? Another reason people look down on flatulence is because they think it is dirty and unsanitary. But according to the results of an experiment described in the British Medical Journal to see if "tooting" nurses would cause infections during surgeries; flatulents are filtered by the clothes we wear. Even if you happened upon an emittance from a nude behind it would not contain any harmful bacteria.

What we don't realize is that our acceptance of these stinky stereotypes are not allowing people to release their inhibitions and bring ease to their pain. According to Sydney Singer, whom I quoted earlier in my speech, he asserts that pressure in the colon leads to diverticulitis, a painful disease where colon pressure makes outward pockets and digestive matter collects and festers. The most common reason for increased colon pressure is not really a medical issue, it is the cultural issue of flatulent retention. When we hold in the urge to relieve nature's call we are causing unnecesary pressure that can lead to diverticulitis. Hopefully we can all band together and abolish the practice of flatulent retention to ease the suffering felt across the country.

The solution to this problem is to lead by example and, together, stop the practice of flatulent retention. Hopefully others will follow. It may seem silly, but we would not be the first ones to do this, according to emedicinehealth.com The Roman Emperor Claudius decreed that “all Roman citizens shall be allowed to pass gas whenever necessary.” Flatulence has even been turned into an art form. According to Richard Stiehm with Pediatrics magazine, "a Frenchman referred to as "Le Petomane became affluent as an effluent performer who played tunes with the gas from his rectum on the Moulin Rouge stage." We actually have the freedom in this country to pass gass whenever nature calls, but usually we put that call on hold till a more "appropriate" time. Let it go, I say! Would you rather suffer from embarassment or constant pain? We are all on the frontlines of the war against flatulent retention, it is our duty to rip a good one when we feel the need! The only solution is to raise awareness of the problem and start to pass gas when we feel the rumbly down in your tumbly.

I hope now you know the importance of stoping the practice of flatulent retention. I have shown you the problem we all suffer from and offered the only solution. (Hold up visual aid; whoopee cushion.) Hopefully we can view this item no longer as a symbol of humor and crudeness, but a symbol of freedom. The freedom to release the pressure from the depths of our bodies and souls. So once again I ask, no I beg you, raise up your ass and pass some gas, because it is better out than in. (Press down on whoopee cushion.)